Why it's okay to grieve on your own terms when you lose a loved one - Daxa Patel

The Queen died at the age of 96 and my father died at the age of 95. Being of a 'good' age is no consolation because you have lost the person who had your back.

If our parents are elderly and frail their presence still gives us comfort but, on their death, we are left with this irreplaceable loss, hard to articulate but palpable, nonetheless. The warmth we felt with their presence is like a lovely duvet, suddenly it is snatched away when death strikes.

In 2013 my father who was my best friend, teacher and confidant passed away peacefully at home.

The year before, I left my career as a law firm partner and head of department, to be my father’s full-time carer. I found holding down a very demanding job and being a primary carer was really hard, so I had to make a choice.

I also wanted to be my father’s daughter again. Fast forward to my father’s death, and I was left an orphan, no job, no career, and no sense of direction. In short, I was lost, and I was grieving the loss of the most important person in my world, my dear father. There was this huge void and there still is.

As society we don’t talk very much about death or grief, as it is uncomfortable and let’s face it, we also want to fix things quickly so life goes back to normal but there is nothing normal about grief.

Grief is as unique as our DNA; it is a reflection of our relationship with the person we love and lost. There are no right or wrong ways of dealing with grief but with my own experience of feeling bereft, at sea and completely unsure if I wanted to carry on, I did, during my journey, find ways to deal with this after falling and stumbling along the way a few times.

Grief impacts us in different ways. Grief for me was utterly exhausting, and I felt so alone yet death is part of life and a universal experience.

My dad died just after Christmas so for at least three years, I could not go to M&S, as that is where I bought the last Christmas jumper for my dad, he died four days later.

In the early days I thought I was going out of my mind so to make sense of my grief I started to write a journal, and from that I started a blog because I was hard pressed to see anyone talking about the loss of a father from a daughter’s lens. Little did I know then that one day I would put my blogs into a book because in time, I had found the confidence to show my vulnerability and I wanted to reach out to help others like me.

I am no expert but as one who has dug herself out of a hole these are my thoughts which may resonate or help others.

Give yourself permission to walk through this very important journey slowly and at your pace. Be discerning about who you surround yourself with. You are at your most vulnerable so having people who will support you is critical. Be kind to yourself and do what feels right. Having a strategy for special days like birthdays, anniversaries, and Christmas will help you get through those days. Talk to your loved one as though they are with you because they are.

Walk and listen to music. Do what helps you get through the hours and days; in time you will find the strength to find a reason to smile and carry on. Volunteer, after my dad died, I became a Silver Line volunteer and a trustee of a local charity.

And finally, exercise. It is good for the soul, body and overactive mind.

I am glad I was loved so much by my father. Grief as they say is the price of love.

Daxa Patel is a lawyer, author and executive coach.