How to celebrate Christmas for the first time without a loved one - Daxa Patel

I no longer volunteer for the Silver Line helpline, a charity set up by the wonderful Dame Esther Rantzen, but I want to request everyone to show extra care to the elderly neighbours for they might be spending Christmas all alone.

Even if you do not knock on the door, it is still possible to write a Christmas card, and leave a mince pie by the front door. A small gesture can go a long way.

I am ten years into my journey, but I am not a grief expert.

That said, I do have practical experience, and I would like to offer some survival tips to those who might be celebrating Christmas for the first time without a significant loved one.

Acknowledge however you are feeling and accept that you have a right to feel however you do. It is okay not to be okay and equally if you feel merry that too is more than okay.

Plan and take control of Christmas and Boxing Day so you have a degree of control of how you mark these special days. The TV will no doubt offer repeats of good films, but you can also earmark some feel good movies to watch.

If you feel like cooking again, plan in advance. If on the day you feel like not doing anything that is fine but be sure to practise self-care.

If it helps you, buy a present from your loved one to yourself and a present for them which you might be able to use yourself or donate to a local charity. Act as if they are still with you, believe me it helps to have them participate in your day. Be prepared for the tears to surface, be also happy if you can rejoice the good old days.

Remember, this is your journey, do what feels right and be apologetically selfish.

If you can and it is safe, plan a nice walk out first thing and after lunch. Saying merry Christmas to perfect strangers will ease your pain.

I remember I spent my second Christmas alone, and this really helped me feel I was not completely invisible to the world. The great thing about exchanging pleasantries while you walk is that you don’t have to answer the dreaded question - how are you?

I remember walking at Golden Acre Park as that was my dad’s favourite place. I now have a bench there in his memory so the plan is to go and sit on the bench for a few minutes while it is nice and quiet.

It is still surreal without the late Queen, but the King’s speech in a way breaks up the day. Disney films are great to transport you to another world and shedding a few tears during the day will also help as will a glass of something special.

Ease the pressure on yourself and do not commit to cooking or entertaining unless that is something that will help you.

I have tried marking special days with friends but emotionally, I did find the time spent my way was easier to get through.

Be prepared to feel emotional. This can tire you out so the less energy you spend managing other people’s expectations and respecting your own expectations, the more it will help.

Another tip is to practise gratitude. Write a letter to your loved one on Christmas day and recount the happier times.

Choose the outfit you are going to wear in advance. These are simple tips that I have used over the years, being prepared takes out the energy we need to make decisions and helps because we steer the day as we wish.

It may help to go to your place of worship for a silent prayer, and contemplation. As my dad had strong connections to our Hindu Temple, I would not go there but instead I would sit in the beautiful chapel at St. Gemma’s Hospice. It was nice to be a stranger.

If possible, try to maintain your routine while adding a few comforting tasks to ease the day. Grief can be very exhausting. If we give permission to surrender on our terms, we can find the strength to get through the day somehow.

Get professional help if needed especially, if you find yourself struggling to cope.

Remember, change, loss and crisis of any kind can be challenging, but they also present opportunities for growth and resilience. Take it one step at a time. Be ultra kind to yourself and know that you have the strength to get through the festive period if you approach it so that your needs are met.

I realised earlier on in my journey that I had every right to grieve and feel the pain of separation. Grief is as unique as our DNA and death does not break our connection with our loved ones. Have a beautiful Christmas with your loved one safely tucked away in your heart and soul.

Daxa Manhar Patel is a leadership coach, author and solicitor.