Did you Google Kate Middleton’s regal fun buns?
If you’re a bloke, I bet the answer is probably not but if you’re a woman, I bet my last Rolo that you took a sneaky cyber peek in a bid to compare and contrast.
As a show of solidarity with the Duchess of Cambridge, I am planning to sunbathe topless this Saturday – even if it’s cloudy.
I will be on the flat roof of The Lounge at 12.33pm.
Any member of the French paparazzi who happens to be passing at that time will be most welcome to snap my paps in the way that papper snappers snap, using a long lens and a little soft focus.
We can share the fee when the photos later appear in special “Look Mum, He’s Leaking” edition of Man Moobs Monthly, dedicated to masculine milk makers. - strapline, “We’re feeders not breeders”.
I doubt my warty protuberance will have as much impact on a global scale as luscious Kate’s badonkadonks. But hey ho, it’s all a bit of fun.
In any event, there can be no expectation of privacy these days when you’re in the pubic eye.
Kate must have know known this – especially as she’s one of the most famous people in the world (or if she wasn’t, she certainly is now).
Especially as she is pretty (or moist as we prefer to say at The Star Inn)
Fame is hungry and self perpetuating. The more famous you become, the more people want to see more of you and the more snappers snap your paps.
I am sure Kate had been de-briefed on this subject by royal advisors well before her globes went global.
And I am sure she knows that in this era of modern technology you cannot hide outside – no matter how secluded the area might seem. Satellites see everything.
Modern life’s all about thinking ahead and expecting the unexpected.
Take the bloke who invented head and shoulders, for instance.
When he named the product, he had probably never met anyone with hairy shoulders.
Now the world is full of such people and shops are springing up across the world in which people can benefit from shoulder hair extensions.
Dread locks? No dear, we positively welcome them.
Tales of the Unexpected happen every day. Except in the case of the TV series which finished unexpectedly in 1979, which was hardly surprising as it wasn’t a patch on The Twilight Zone of the 1950s which featured a fictional town called Willoughby which I always thought was a suburb of Hull only spelled differently for dramatic effect.
I was in the Twilight Zone just the other day when I remembered that I hadn’t seen an old friend for ages and I wondered if he was okay.
Then I realised I was dead, which wasn’t something I wasn’t happy about as I am not a big fan of soil, although I should do okay in this year’s hide and seek competition. If you don’t hear from me by November, I’m behind the bath panel with the 1979 champion.
Characters in novels must be similarly horrified to discover that they are only imaginary – even more so when the they find themselves portrayed in a TV adaptation of the lives they don’t have by someone famous for playing other people.
I can often remember the name of a character in a film yet I have no idea who the actor is – nor am I bothered because all I want is entertainment.
Jesus once said in a film adaptation of his life from an earlier book: “For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.”
So, it looks as thought Kate Middleton should be fine after all, despite her humbling experience.
He also said: “No one lights a lamp and puts it in a place where it will be hidden, or under a bowl. Instead he puts it on its stand, so that those who come in may see the light.”
Which is a well known saying among antique dealers on Dickinson’s Real Deal.
Generally however, I’m not a big fan of motivational quotes - the sayings which appear on posters around the work place in a bid to make everyone feel better about working for peanuts.
Winston Churchill (the insurance dog) said: If you’re going through hell, keep going.
What he should have said was: “Kill your boss, he’s a complete arse.”
Eleanor Roosevelt (who mistakenly credited with inventing roofing felt) said: “With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts.”
What she should have said: “Headache and the shits? Don’t drink so much and avoid kebabs.”
Walt Disney said: “If you can dream it, you can do it.”
What he should have said: “Freddy Krueger is real - run for it.”
Victor Kiam said: Even if you fall on your face, you’re still moving forward.”
What he should have said: “So you look like a dick - get over it.”
Benjamin Franklin said: “By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.”
What he should have said: “Get a take away - it’s less hassle.”
Alfred A. Montapert said: “Expect problems and eat them for breakfast.
What he should have said: “No, I’ve nevere heard of me either.”