The Orb is a surreal and hopefully amusing column which appears weekly in the Driffield Times and Post, East Yorkshire
This week, I will be mostly talking about buns.
Not in a Frank Zappa “sniff the reeking buns of angels” way but in Great British Bake Off style.
Although my primary job is writing, I can also be a pretty good salesman when I have a mind.
Selling is all about aspiration and creating desire.
For example, I was stalling out at a car boot one time when a woman plucked from a box an old bun tray – the kind your granny used to use.
It’s condition was best described as challenging as it had been in the shed for several decades.
The woman said: “What this for?” She was foreign.
“Rusty buns.” I replied. “A British delicacy.”
She looked at me for a moment, pondering my answer – then handed over 50p and wandered off into the crowd, gibbering to her friend about rusty buns.
I didn’t think much more about the incident as she was old and it’s not against the law in England to rip off old people (there are whole offices full of telemarketers who do so every day).
But, when she arrived back at my stall the following week, I expected a complaint and demand for a refund.
Instead, she looked at me, smiled and said: “Rusty buns – very good”.
To this day, I have no idea if she was joking or whether she had used the rusty tin to bake some bunnage.
I was probably about 17 the last time I tried my hand at baking.
But I tried again this week when we held a bake-off in the office.
Quite frankly, I am rubbish at cooking unless the recipe involves road-kill meat, but I had a go in the spirit of fun. So I told the wife that the girls from work needed considerably bigger buns and she cooked them for me.
Because it is better to have tried and failed than to have never tried at all. Unless your aim is suicide.
Which brings me on to my next subject. The proposed 2013 music event for Driffield.
The town council think it’s an ace idea and has set aside £25,000 to pay for it.
Lots of young uns think it’s a good idea and are giving up their time to help arrange it (which is nothing short of a miracle – most people under 35 aren’t even willing to arrange their own toes in the correct order).
Set against this backdrop of enthusiasm are the moaners and whingers. “Oh, it will fail ... what a waste of money ... I hope they’re not spending my council tax.”
This is a typical Driffield attitude not found in other parts of the country. Small town, small mind syndrome.
English people love to build things up to knock them down again.
Pop stars, politicians, chefs, the London Gherkin.
In Driffield, we can’t be bothered to wait. We slag things off before they have even begun. It saves time for important things, such as Strictly Come Bondage.
We also kick blind beggars because they can’t tell the police who was responsible and burn woodlice using a magnifying glass in hot sunlight.
Surely, it would be far better to let 2013 go ahead and then slag it off later? Don’t attend though as it will serve no purpose to venture an opinion about something you know nothing about.
No, far better to boycott the event and then blast everyone involved with bile as though you were there.
Pointless arguments wouldn’t be pointless unless they had a point would they? Which is the whole point.
For my part, I reckon a 2013 music event for Driffield will be fantastic and long overdue. I like a good party and Driffield is short on decent events. Okay, we have the traction engine rally and Land Rover rally, but they are for outsiders.
A music event would be for us – for Driffield. A bit like New Year’s Eve, only not at new year.
And it should be in the town centre.
We tried events on North End Park and on the showfield and while they were okay they were nowt special.
A town centre location would allow pubs and businesses to benefit financially and would give those who don’t take part a real excuse to moan for months and months (which is good for the Driffield Times & Post as it means lots of stories and letters).
And outsiders should be banned from attending (except for the acts of course). We could set up road blocks at the edge of town manned by marshals who stop all cars and ask the drivers: “Are you local” like they do in Royston Vasey.
“This is a local town for local people. We don’t want outsiders here.”
Which means no market traders from West Yorkshire taking money from local businesses by setting up stalls outside our town centre shops and selling exactly the same products at knock-down prices.
And no bus loads of pensioners in slippers and dressing gowns strolling aimlessly along our footpaths, staring at the sky and talking about how tea used to taste better in the 1920s.
Of course, no music event would be complete without buns, so there should be a bun stage, where the acts sing songs about buns while housewives bake them using fresh ingredients locally sourced.
It’s gonna be great – and if not, we can always moan about it later. Sound like a plan ?
Yeah – Bun Ho!