I’m old enough to know quite a few great chat up lines but too old for them to work.
Now, when I pull, it’s usually a muscle - most often my tongue.
I got to thinking about this because I met a woman recently who attracts men like jam attracts elephants.
Unlike most of us, she doesn’t need to master the use of chat up lines. She was named after a canal barge which runs between Prestwich and Croydon and this obviously helps.
Fellas pester her for a date 17 times a day, often as she is simply walking along the street or raising a bank loan to pay for a new cake.
One chap asked her for a date seconds after telling her he was dying of an incurable disease, another seems to appear outside her house at strange times of the day and a third, who was in handcuffs at the time, suggested that she should go for a drink with him once he was released from police custody.
Obviously, in the quest for a suitor, it helps to be good looking. I can’t imagine that David Beckham has much of a problem pulling the ladies.
Sometimes though, it’s more than that and when Golden Balls gets older he will still prove attractive because he if rich.
Flashing the cash is a great way to attract women. They love a big wad and a nice car, which often makes them willing to overlook the fact their potential boyfriend resembles Danny Devito and has bad breath and hairy buttocks.
Power is also attractive. I bet Alan Sugar has women throwing themselves at him because he leaks a trail of pheromones wherever he goes and looks like an Ewok impersonating Nookie the Bear.
Sometimes though, none of this works. No matter how rich or powerful Piers Morgan becomes he will remain universally ignored because at the end of the day he will always be too annoying to spend any meaningful time with.
The same applies to Simon Cowell, who is attractive in a square jawed American marine kind of way but ofsets this by coming across as a grumpy sod with a narcissistic God complex (although I’m sure in private he’s nice to his mum and donates huge sums of money to puppy orphanages).
We all like to be loved but there’s a big difference between a chat up line and a pick up line. The latter applies to someone you already kn ow is coming home with you, such as your wife or maybe a prostitute.
Chat up lines tend to me a little more subtle and gentle, often funny and mocking.
A tele marketer called the other day and I thought she was trying to char me up when she said: “Hi, I’m doing a survey ...What’s your name? What’s your phone number? Are you free next Saturday?”
Sadly, she was trying to fix a time for a double glazing salesman to visit my house which I thought was a little extreme as she was calling from India.
Some chat up lines are so corny, they make you want to hurl - such as: I have only three months to live. Can I borrow your phone to call God and tell him I have found his missing angel.”
But some are guaranteed to work because they are funny. “Do you have any raisins? How about a date then?” or maybe “Are you a parking ticket because you got fine written all over you?”
A girl once said to me: “I’m new in town, could I have directions to your house.” It turned out she was a burglar.
I was surprised to get a slap once when I said to a fat lass: “You may not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.”
And that was after I had buttered her up with: “I may not be the best looking guy here, but I’m the only one talking to you.”
I even complimented her with: “Awww, come on! Lower your standards a little bit; I did.
A great line for a one night stand is: “If you want a carrot, it’s yours. If you want 24 carrots, keep on walking lady!”
But feigning madness does not work under any circumstances so avoid:” Hi the voices in my head told me to come talk to you” and “Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?”
Probably the best bet is to be original: “I was so enchanted by your beauty that I ran into that wall over there. So I am going to need your name and number for insurance purposes.”
Or maybe surreal: Never say “ONWARD!” unless the giraffes won’t fit in the bathtub.” or “Your eyes are like brightly colored machine tools on a buffet.”
The chat up line I use most often is: “Your beautiful Bulgarian bricks stack like the thousand eyes of Estonian potatoes, peering amid fuzzy dreams of corrugated cardboard.
Another good one is: “Suffer, for you are toasting the Marzipan!.. (..and may I upon pretense ring latent tintinnabulations for your Andalusian raisins!)”
And who can forget The Orb classic: “Your eyes show as many deep and full shades of blue as a healing bruise upon an injured forelimb”
Remember though, never resort to the corny: “If beauty were time, you’d be eternity.” You are welcome to use that one whenever you feel the need, although I must confess it only really works on Dachshunds.
Have fun and if you can’t be lucky, eat cake.